Instructions for a Name
Sumitra Mattai
1.
My name is Sumitra, which sounds similar to Sumatra, the Indonesian island known for coffee beans, but different. The “i” should be a short sound, though most Americans make it an “ee.” Su-mee-tra, rather than Su-mit-ra. I remember being too shy to correct my teachers’ mispronunciation in kindergarten. My kid brain thought: well, this is who I am now. The confusion has followed me through four decades, although now I am more quick to address it.
2.
In Sanskrit, my name translates to “good friend.” Su means good, and Mitra means friend. In America, my name means, “Where are you really from?” or depending on the state, “Go back to your country!”
3.
My name sounds most natural when pronounced with an Indian accent, though no one in my family has one. This is because my ancestors were displaced under British colonial rule in the early 19th century, brought from India to Guyana, South America to work as indentured laborers. Spoken Hindi and other regional languages were lost over generations, but as my name suggests, Indian culture and customs have survived in the diaspora, taking root over nine thousand miles from the motherland.
4.
Some West Indians add a rogue “n” to my name, making it: Sumintra. I do not know why this is.
5.
My mother named me after a character from the Hindu epic, the Ramayana. Sumitra was one of King Dasharatha’s three wives; some sources say she was the second wife, others say she was the third. Either way, she was a supporting character, written without a unique plotline and little backstory. Her main contribution was to birth the twins, Shatrughna and Lakshmana, who played an integral role in the saga. Sumitra was said to be the wisest queen, the first to decipher that Rama, the story’s hero, was an avatar of Lord Vishnu.
6.
On Youtube, I found the 1987 version of the Ramayana I watched as a child, the live action series my parents rented on overdubbed VHS from the lone Indian shop in the New Jersey suburbs where we lived. In our first glimpse of Queen Sumitra, she appears in a maroon sari, a tulle veil and a golden crown, weeping in the palace with the king’s other two wives. The women beg a solemn-eyed sage to bless them with children, with heirs to the throne.
Together with my seven-year-old son, we followed the blurry subtitles on my laptop, pausing often for explanation. “Wait, he has three wives?” His eyes widened when he heard my name on screen.
7.
I have never met another Sumitra.
8.
Most popular names for girls in India in 2022:
Aditi, Inaya, and Aarya
9.
Most popular names for girls in America in 2022:
Olivia, Emma and Charlotte.
10.
My name rhymes with my older sister’s name, and has almost the same spelling and pronunciation. Sumitra. Suchitra. The similarity meant that we couldn’t tell who our parents were trying to summon. When we heard their voices, we both had to come running.
11.
My mother, Subhadra, and my older sister both became “Sue” when our family moved to the US in 1984, to survive corporate America and high school, respectively. It would take years for them to reclaim their real names.
12.
Despite the consistent mispronunciation of my name, I never used the name “Sue” at school or work, perhaps because my mother and older sister had already claimed it, and three Sues in one household seemed absurd. The only time I call myself “Sue” is when I order a coffee or make a dinner reservation, to avoid unnecessary confusion.
13.
My home name, the name used by my family and no one else, is Mitra.
14.
The Wu-tang Name Generator gave me the moniker, Commander Teensy, which I love and will adopt if I ever become a rapper, spoken word artist, or dictator.
15.
Naming a baby is an act of poetry, for many people, the only creative moment of their lives. (Quote from Richard Eyre)
16.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I asked my mother for name suggestions, and she sent me a list of sixteen Sanskrit names and their meanings:
Atri - One of the 7 saptarishis
Aadi - First
Aaditya - Sun
Aanand - bliss
Aatmananda - blissful soul
Abhay - Fearless
Amar - Immortal
Anant - Infinite
Arun - Sun
Atul - Incomparable
Aryan - Illustrious, noble, spiritual
Ishaan - Giving, Lord Shiva
Natraj - God of Dance
Omkar - sound of the Universe, OM
Rishi - sage or saint, wise one
Yogesh - lord of yoga
While I appreciated the thought that went into the list, I couldn’t help but feel the incongruity of giving my mixed race child an Indian name, a name that would define him before he knew himself, and constantly demand explanation. An Indian name was a tether to a thread of his heritage, but it also felt like a burden.
At work, with my hands clasped over the hump of my belly, I listened to my two white colleagues read the list aloud. As they stumbled through each tangle of letters, I knew I would not use these names. I could already hear the botched syllables of my Caribbean in-laws and the nervous stammering of future teachers, classmates and bosses.
17.
In the end, we named our first son Miles. We tell people he was named after the jazz musician Miles Davis, but this was a partial truth; “Kind of Blue” was one of my favorite albums, but I was not really a jazz aficionado.
Approachable and easy to say, I liked that the basic meaning of the word touched on the journeys of his ancestors on both sides, and the distances they had traveled.
18.
According to Babycenter.com, the name Miles was ranked #67 in popularity in America in 2022.
19.
My son, now eight years old, has decided he’s named after Marvel’s Spiderman, Miles Morales.
20.
When I was pregnant with our daughter, we considered naming her Maya, which means “illusion” in Sanskrit, and also has meanings in Greek and Roman. Like Miles, it was simple and easy to say.
I wrote the names of my son and future daughter on a page of my journal: Miles and Maya. M & M. The alliteration tickled me.
In my imagination, Maya was observant and gentle. A quiet girl, as I had been, drawing in her sketchbook and picking dandelions in the outfield at gym class.
21.
Our daughter is named Zadie, after the author, Zadie Smith. This was a more genuine reference for me than Miles Davis. I had read all of Smith’s novels and admired her work and persona. Like my children, she had Caribbean roots. According to her Wikipedia page, she changed her name from the more classic spelling, Sadie, when she was fourteen years old.
I wanted my daughter to be strong, as I felt she would need to be. The “Z” sound felt like a motor revving her forward.
22.
If Zadie wasn’t dynamic enough, my husband gave her the middle name, “Lightning.”
Zadie Lightning, on her birth certificate, her passport, her social security card. A flash of light in her smile.
23.
The best nickname I’ve ever received is Mattaiga, which is a hybrid of my last name, Mattai, and the word, tiger, created by a friend of my husband.
24.
The word for Indian sweets is ‘mithai’, which sounds similar to my last name, Mattai.
25.
In the shipping manifest data from my great grandfather’s journey from India to British Guyana, our last name was Matai, not Mattai. We speculate that the extra “t” was a clerical error along the way.
Matai and Mathai were both common Indian surnames. There was little information for Mattai in India itself.
This remnant of my colonial past lives as a middle name for both my kids, not hyphenated to my husband’s surname like an appendage, but nestled between first and last like a bridge.
26.
When I wrote fiction, naming my characters was a mind game. I remember being a teenager trying to write a scene of a girl and a boy walking down a suburban street. If I gave them Western names, say Linda and Brian, they would have to be white or black, maybe with roots in Minnesota or Louisiana. I grew up observing and imitating American kids, but I didn’t feel like I could inhabit their perspectives. What did I know of the Lindas and the Brians? Who was I to tell their stories? Westerners had been telling brown people’s stories for centuries, but to me, sitting at the second hand desk in my childhood bedroom, it was a line I wasn’t powerful enough to cross.
If I gave my characters Indian names, say Sushma and Pradeep, I still felt unmoored. I couldn’t depict Sushma’s memories of Ahmedabad, or describe Pradeep’s childhood in Chennai. What did I know of the lives of “real” South Asian-Americans?
If I made my characters West Indian, I would have to educate my readers on colonial history, which felt awkward in the context of fiction. My only trip to Guyana was in 2005; otherwise the country existed for me solely in old photos and family stories.
They say to write what you know, but what if your knowledge is elusive, like a hall of mirrors, endless reflections you cannot own as the truth?
Telling personal stories cleared these debilitating doubts. In the crafting of an essay, I didn’t have to name anyone or second guess the authenticity of my characters. I was finally able to write as I see, as I feel, as I am.
27.
At home, I am Mama. A universal title that a child claims as her own. Mama: protector, provider, advocate. Cook, cleaning lady, laundress. The one who washes curly heads, clips nails like stained crescent moons, and rubs eucalyptus salve on achy throats in winter. Mama, who laughs, chides, yells when pushed to the limits of her patience, sings poorly, burrows her head in rounded bellies wriggling with glee.
I’m not Mom yet, the one-syllable word that stretches out with teenage impatience, “Mooooo-oooom!”
To my kids, I am not Sumitra. I am hardly a person, let alone a wife, a sister, a daughter, or a writer.
“What are you doing, Mama?” Zadie demands. “Mama, you’re not listening to me!”
Her voice pulls me out of my thoughts, halting the flow of words. Reluctantly, I shut my laptop, set it down on the bed. She’s pouting, her arms akimbo - a small, angry general in a lavender tutu.
“Maamaaa!”
I reach for her, scooping her into my lap, tickling away her fury.
“I’m here, my love, Mama is right here.”
***
About the Author
Sumitra Mattai is a writer and textile designer based in New York City. She holds a BFA in Textile Design from the Rhode Island School of Design and an MFA in Creative Writing from The New School. Her essays on family, food and culture have been published widely. For more information, please visit her website,www.sumitramattai.com or find her on Instagram @sumitramattai.